I am going to die. I am sure of it. I mean we are all going to die eventually, but I think my time has come. I like Miracle Whip. I don't eat a ton of it, I just like it have it every now and then on the occasional sandwich. It adds zip, zest, and I am afraid tonight will be my last zip and zest. You see I was sitting at the table eating dinner. Looking off into space when my gaze settled on the jar of Miracle Whip. More specifically, the experation date. I know I have had the jar a while, maybe 6 months. But when I saw the date, I spit out the food in my mouth and just about died right there. 12 FEB 2007. 12FEB 2007! That was like 6 months ago! Now I know that if you eat something that expired a few days ago, you will most likely just have an upset stomach. But what happens when you eat something that expired 6 months ago? Death. I am sure of it. And that is why I say goodbye. I don't know how long it takes, or how painful it will be. It could be as quick as tonight. Ohh, what is that sharp pain in my side? Most assuredly this will be a painful death. Oh wait, that is Bear poking me with a wooden spoon. Well anyways, I am positive it will come soon. That or I will just be spending my night on the toilet. Either way, I look forward to neither.
I got Bear a Dirt Devil vacuum. He really likes to clean. He is forever walking around with the mini dust broom and pan. The other day Duke pooped and I yelled for Daddy to go get me something to clean up the mess with while I held Duke down since he had stepped in it. Well here comes Bear with that dust broom and pan. Bless his little heart. And then another time I told him that the broom was for messes and he couldn't play with it unless there was a mess to be cleaned up. I turned my back and walked 2 feet and looked back at him. He stuck his hand into the dog food, pulled out a handful and dumped it on the floor. He then looked at me with a big smile and grabbed his broom and went to work. Now he doesn't actually get anything up when he does this. He actually doesn't even take the broom apart from the pan, just scrapes it along the floor, but at least he is trying. So I bought him a vacuum. He pushed that bad boy around the living room and hallway like he was really picking up some dirt. I figured he liked it that much, he would like it even more if I put some batteries in it so it could do its thing for real. I get the batteries in, turn that puppy on and he just did not know what to do with himself. He had been holding onto it, but it was like he wanted nothing more than to drop it and run but couldn't let go. Finally he let go and stood there contemplating what to do about the situation with a very serious look on his face. After about 30 seconds of acting like he was going to grab it and then getting 5 inches away and changing his mind, he decided he had had enough of the situation and wanted out but also wanted to make sure it didn't follow him. He put up both hands towards it, (like I do with the dogs) and said, "stay...stay." And when he was sure it wasn't going to move, he ran into the safety of mommas arms, turned around to give that thing one more gander and exploded into tears.
I saw you coming and knew you would be trouble. I tried to avoid you, to duck into the next aisle so that I could get out of your way. But alas, you saw that coming and decided to do what any person in a riding shopping cart would do. You cut me off. And then gave me a very nasty look. I would of told you a few things, like that seat was not big enough for your rump since half of it was hanging off the left side, or that walking behind a cart even a few times a month would have helped that situation, but my son was with me and I did not want him to see the ugly side of mommy. Not yet anyways. He is still young and innocent. Anyways, you would remember me as the one that waved you on after you got right in front of my cart and then stopped. Stopped to look at me with that nasty look. I waved you on. I really had no choice but I thought it would show that I was submitting to the situation. Even though I had the right of way. You were making a left hand turn. I, a right. It has been a while since drivers education, but I am sure that I had the right of way. And I realize this was not a street we were on, just an aisle in Walmart, but surely the same rules apply? It just makes sense. After I waved you on and you completed your illigal turn, you stopped once more. Leaving me in a very sticky predicament. You see, you and I were not the only ones in that store this afternoon. There were other people. And I think that they all might of been right behind me. Waiting. We were all waiting. For you to grab your cheez-its or chips ahoy or whatever you were looking at so intently. And it was not like you thought ahead and were right next to the shelf so that I could go around you. No, no, you had to be right in the middle of the aisle and lean over to the shelf to see your many choices. Once you decided there was nothing there you wanted, you proceed at a snails pace down the aisle. Right in the middle of it. And had it not been for your left butt cheek hanging off the motorized cart, I might of been able to get around you. It would of been tight, but then we would of just gone our seperate ways. As soon as you got far enough down the aisle which took you about 10 minutes, I pulled a U-turn and got the heck out of there. My son had aged a year in that one little section of Walmart. I went to go check out. I was standing there in line, waiting to load my items. Now I know you have to remember me now, I was the one you ran into. Ran into with that stupid motorized shopping cart. And before I turned around, I knew. I knew it was you. Call it intuition, call it whatever you want. I knew it was you that had hit me. And obviously you found that gas on that bad boy, because you must of been doing 50 mph when you hit me. And there was that nasty look again. Like I had jumped out in front of you! You didn't apologize. Didn't even look sorry. You did what was probably the smartest thing you have ever done in your life. You backed that thing up and went and found another check stand. Because if you had continued to sit there and give me that look, I would have shown my son a side of mommy he has never seen. I took my beet red, breathing fire, about to explode self to the car and prayed that you had not driven to walmart. Because the only thing I could think of that is scarier than you on a motorized cart, would be you in a car.
Wow where to start. I have so many things I want to talk about and I just can't seem to get them all unjumbled in my head. I am going to try and sort them out as best I can while doing this. Oh and I must insert here that I have pictures, lots and lots of pictures, I just am having technical difficulties right now trying to download them. Once I get that figured out though, I will put some on here. Last Tuesday we went to the park for the first time. I mean we go to the park all the time, but the one we go to has no toys. So we went to the toy park for the first time on Tues. Bear wanted nothing to do with the toys. He wanted to walk around and collect wood chips and watch the big kids. So that is what we did for about 30 minutes. I put him on the swing when we first got there, and he freaked out. He did not start screaming, he just got really tense and pursed his lips and started breathing like he was in labor. He was frozen in terror. So we got off of those. We had met one of Bears friends there, we shall call him Little Man, and let me say this, they have known each other since they were 6 weeks old and have never even glanced each others way. One could care less about the other. But that day they actually played with each other. Bear was running away from me(his new game) and Little Man ran after him. When he finally caught up, he tried to feed Bear a rock and Bear tried to poke him in the eye with a stick. It was really sweet. We had a good time that day with the exception of me forgetting to put on sunscreen. I got a burn. But that is the story of my life during the summer months. Burn, peel, go back to ghostly see-through white. For the 4th, we went to MamaGephs house. She has the sweetest kiddos in the world and I love to be around them. And her too of course! We had some yummy salmon burgers and lit off some day time fireworks and then later that night set off some more once it was dark. The first one that she lit, did a lot of sparking at first and then it made some noise which startled Bear. He jumped and yelled, "HEY!" and looked like he was going to be okay with it and then started screaming. After that though he was fine. Momma held him close. We stayed out there until about 1030 and Bear did fine. Not cranky or anything. I was really surprised. And pleased. It was really windy last night which made for some interesting fireworks. I hate fireworks. They scare the crap out of me and I just knew that one of them was going to get knocked over and burn us all alive. But they didn't. We made it out okay. Bear fell asleep on the way home, but he stayed awake until almost 1100. And then woke up at 5 and I said no way dude. He fell back asleep and woke up again an hour later. That time I went in and got him. I hope this doesn't screw up his schedule too much. On Tuesday night, we were going to go to the drive-in. Daddy had gotten off work early and we were set to go by 8pm. We drove 30 minutes and as we pulled off of Hwy 20, we saw a full lot and a line of cars out of the theater backed up into the street. I said no way jose! So we went back home and started watching a movie here which Daddy fell asleep about 10 minutes in. Every time I tried to turn it off, he would wake up and get angry at me saying that he was watching it. I tried to get him to tell me what was going on in the movie. He couldn't. So I waited until he was good and asleep before I put in a chick flick. Tela and Duke are doing well. I got a correction collar for Duke. I do not care if you think it is inhumane. Eating my son is inhumane. I did this for the safety of my child. And the preservation of my house in general. Besides I have only zapped him about 4 time total. I just give him a warning beep and that straightens him right up. So he is now more tolerable. Still a little booger, but at least now he is getting the idea of what is his to chew on and what isn't. Heehee I just had a funny little picture in my head. We were sitting on the couch and Daddy had the collar in his hand. I said, "try it out." He said, "no." Eventually I broke him down and he tried it on a level 1. Nothing. Tried it again, nothing. All of a sudden he messed with the level and pushed the button and that thing shot out of his hand across the room. I just about peed my pants laughing. And then he tried to get me to do it. Yeah... right. Like I am that dumb.
A few months back I bought a garbage can from Costco that has a sensor on it and opens automatically when you stand in front of it. I do not know if I bought it out of sheer laziness or because it entertained Bear and I for about 20 minutes in the store. Either way, it is messing with my head now. I expect everything in my house to open when I stand in front of it. Included are: toilet seat, fridge, bedroom doors, oven, diaper genie, and the washer and dryer. I seriously stand in front of these and a few other things and wait for a good 5 seconds before I realize that I am actually going to have to do some work. The only solution I have come up with is, and please don't laugh if you see these hanging around my house, I am going to make signs that say, "wait all you want but this door you are actually going to have to open on your own!" Oy!
Last night was probably one of the best nights I have had in a long time. A couple of mommies and I all went out to have a night on the town. Actually we just went to the new jazz restaurant and Dairy Queen afterwards, but to me, it was a night on the town. We took the Jeep with the top down, which probably made us look like a bunch of old ladies trying to recapture their youth, but I don't care. We had fun. And that is all that matters. It was so nice to have adult conversation with out someone 2 feet tall screaming at you and pulling on your pants. To have a hot meal, to not have to cut everything up into teeny tiny bites, to not have to feed the person sitting next to me, to sit and have a glass of wine and just laugh and relax. It was great. Not that I didn't miss Bear, it was just nice to have some me time and be with friends. And besides, Bear must get tired of me and need a break from me too sometimes.