Sunday, November 22, 2009

This is not Lawanda's fault...

I keep telling myself that. My friend and fellow blogger Lawanda posted the other day and I have not been able to stop thinking about it since. I would post a hyper-doodly-giggawatts-thingama-jig here but I don't know how, so you can just follow the clicky to the right hand side to her blog.

I want more kids. Plain and simple. I had my heart set on eight of the little boogers a few years ago. I have learned is hard to just let something like that go once you have planned on it. And I don't understand. I wish that God would take away this burning desire and just let me be happy with the two babies I do have. But I want more. I want to have a house full of happy laughing kids (even though I know the reality is more like arguing, pinching, toy snatching, whiny kids.) But see? I have a sense of humor about it. Doesn't that make me a prime candidate for being mother of many? Sigh.

I come from a big family, and I love getting together with my family now that we are all grown up. It is loud and happy and fun.

I had the hardest time getting rid of baby clothes this last summer. I felt that if I did, I would be admitting that I am done. That there will be no more babies. And that hurts my heart. All of the baby paraphanelia is on the front porch waiting for me to make a decision about it.

I see brand new babies in town and my heart longs to be growing my own. I love being pregnant. Well with the exception of the last month when your ankles have become "cankles" and you have to pee every hour during the night and you toss and turn when you aren't peeing trying to get comfortable, and nothing fits you anymore and everything you eat causes you to have heart burn so badly that you buy stock in Tums and chug milk like it is going out of style. But other than that I love being pregnant. I have such easy pregnancies, this is what my body was built for. Baby growing and carrying. And I love breast feeding. Bear breast fed until he was 18 months, she is almost 18 months and shows no sign of stopping.

I just wish that I could get over the fact that this is it and I just need to be happy and thankful for what I have. And I am, I love these kiddos more than myself. And I thank God every day that he gave them to me to raise for Him. But I just can't seem to shake the "sad".


Lawanda said...

I have easy pregnancies too. I love it.

It is hard to think about not having anymore :(

I know it is absolutely certifiable, but I keep hoping that after I sell the baby bed, I will get pregnant again.

It happened once before!!! ;)

I understand your feelings, though.

I wish I could help ya.

Cuz I know how bad it feels.

But I will hold out a hope for both of us.

I am an optimistic person by nature. ;)

And i can't help but think God wants us to have more babies!!!! Cuz we both have such good genes, right?!?!?!


(Sorry if my insane optimism gets on your nerves!)

MamaGeph said...

I agree with Lawanda. L, you've got no idea what God has planned for you. (I know, Job didn't either. But block that out right now, har har.)

You're right about at least one thing, tho - dang, those are some great kids ya got there.

Your Maria said...

Okay, so I don't like being pregnant, will you do it for me? I'll give you the fertilized egg and you carry it for me. Oh and BTW, can you raise them until they are about 8? That seems to be about the age that I can handle them properly without breaking them...
I love you. I don't think you are done. I think you have amazing things to come. Just be patient babe, much better things are in store for you because you deserve them.
Because you are who you are. Because you are one of the best human beings I know.
I love you!